Vanderpump Rules Recap, Season 9 Episode 8
Not so perfect
Photo: Well done
The best part about this one-episode crispy porridge chore was that we learned that Ariana and Sandoval have an ice maker in their kitchen. If there’s anything I’ve learned in all of my summers on Fire Island (other than that, the only way to calm an unruly group of male homosexuals is to sing the Daddy’s Girls theme song) is that every kitchen needs both an ice maker and two dishwashers. Yes, that sounds silly, but if you ever have more than four guests in your home, both are essential. You think you’ll never use them, that it’s a waste of space and electricity, and you’re more wrong than wearing stripes and plaids at Kyle Richards’ White Party.
The other great thing about this episode was that we got a little snippet of Charli’s waiting tables as she serves a plate of SUR’s infamous goat cheese balls. (Disclaimer: Anyone eating in SUR does at their own risk and Dame Brian Moylan, The Real Housewives Institute and its affiliates cannot be held responsible for any choking, vomiting, leaky gut or other digestive upset that may be caused.) She does not know that they come in mango sauce and has to go and find on his phone what the condiment is. It’s not that crazy in itself, but it made me realize that Charli is a waitress who by her own admission has never tried food. How does she recommend things? “Oh, I don’t know if this rigatoni is good, but I’ve heard it tasted delicious from people. It’s a bit like having whole body alopecia and deciding to open a hair salon.
Other than that, this was just another episode of people wasted in an antiseptic house in Valley Village at a party with a really lame theme. This one was Man of Mystery / Femme Fatale and it was at the Maloney-Schwartz Residence, which I’m sure doesn’t have an ice maker in the kitchen and still looks a bit messy even when the cleaner was right there. There have been excuses and brawls and moves over Schwartz & Sandies, but just like Scheana’s baby Wheatgrass Shot, I would rather just sleep through the whole procedure.
What are the other good parts? Oh, Brock does the Barre Method and says it’s “a combination of ballet and torture,” which is a pretty funny line for an Australian block of American cheese carved into a man. I will say I loved Brock and his new mustache and too big ass in undersized workout pants. If I were Charli this would be the first exotic food I tried, the deadliest cakes in all of Australia.
Since we all get kinky and sexual, I completely support Charli’s idea that all the women in the group are selling pictures of their feet to make money for Raquel’s nose. “Toes for a nose” they call it, and you can put me on a photo of a foot of each of the ladies and most of the guys in that group. (You just know Sandoval has weird, rough, discolored toenails, which I don’t want to be a part of.) Charli came up with this because she’s obsessed with her profile on Wikifeet and I don’t blame her. I kind of want to be a famous woman for someone to talk about my soles. I actually have very attractive feet, but they are still covered. I am ready to start my only fans. The profits will go to Raquel’s new nose.
Now that the fun is over, I guess we should talk about what’s really going on in this episode. James and Raquel, a gluten-free, sugar-free, and dairy-free keto seaweed cupcake, fight over their nose like it matters at all. Lala tells James when he goes to visit her that this is Raquel’s face and that she needs to feel beautiful and that he just needs to be quiet about any objections he might have to. her and her pursuit of plastic surgery. Yes, as a partner he should be advising her, but at the end of the day it’s her body, her choice, and he just needs to be supportive of the decision she makes. That’s pretty much the end of this discussion.
There is still some residual drama between Lala and Scheana after Lala explains to the world all the reasons why Brock cannot see his children. They sit down at the Man of Mystery party where they both wear only mascara and black blazers for a bit of a chat. Scheana basically tells Lala that she is fed up with Lala saying shit and then apologizing and that she doesn’t feel like Lala really cares about her. I would say it’s not just a feeling of Scheana, but really how all of the cast are feeling Lala these days.
After Lala and Scheana kiss, Lala also comes out to apologize to Brock and he doesn’t accept her apology so easily. He says he doesn’t want her to apologize half-heartedly when she says awful things, then apologize, then chastise you for playing with her because you should know what you’re going to get. This is how Lala turns her attack (in both senses of the word) into her defense. This is how she allows herself to feel like the victim even when she is the instigator. It doesn’t seem to work for her. As Scheana points out, almost every woman on the show has fallen out with her, but she keeps coming back. Scheana says it’s because she doesn’t have any friends. We all know it’s because she has something more powerful than friendship: a contract to stay on this show here.
Schwartz and Sandoval continue to fight for their bar to exist and Schwartz struggles to keep her goof for Lisa when she puts on the scariest dog mask I’ve ever seen, and I’ve been on LSD before and am went to Clifford: live and on ice. He tells her how his family has been fighting since the pandemic and he tries to give them money but also tries to make this bar exist. Lisa says to put her money in the bar and deal with them later, which isn’t good advice if their lights are about to go out.
Lisa gives the pair some great advice when they stop in their matching Celine (knockoff) sunglasses. They share with her their mission statement, which reads: “Schwartz & Sandy’s is a funkadelic dive lounge where you check your worries out the door and escape reality. We hope to fill the familiarity of your best night with the déjà vu of your future fantasy. Well yes. It does not mean anything. It’s just a bunch of adjectives and maybe the plot summary of The matrix. I am not sure. Lisa tells them that they need to be more articulate with Greg, their partner. She tells them to explain the color scheme they want, the mood they are looking for, the type of food they want to serve.
They arrive at their land with Greg, who is wonderfully pragmatic and doesn’t indulge in Sandoval’s steamy cocktails, and he’s unimpressed. It’s because they didn’t follow Lisa’s advice. If they want to hear from him, then follow him! Katie is also at the reunion, by her own insistence, and he tells her that she has a better idea of a mission statement than these guys. Yep, Katie is right, she didn’t invent the “word salad” guys used to annoy Greg, but isn’t she a little out of place? If she’s so good, why don’t she start it own bar? It’s like she wants all the fame but not the heavy lifting. Plus, it’s incredibly undermining for her husband to just say, “All your ideas are bad” in front of his business partner.
Greg and Katie left the bar, mocking the boys all the way to the parking lot, leaving them alone in the cavernous and half-finished space to think about their mission statement. Sandoval was clearly upset, rummaging around the room, slamming empty cans and knocking jiggers of cocktails on the floor. “My God, Katie is the worst,” he finally told Schwartz. “Why does she have to manage everything?” I’m so angry that I can’t even think of our mission statement.
“Aw, come on baby, we can figure this out,” Schwartz said. He stepped behind Sandoval and put his arms around his broad shoulders and strong chest, but Sandoval pushed him away, still pissed off. “Uh oh. I know what you need. Schwartz spun Sandoval around and began to unbutton his shirt, even as Sandoval tried to stop him.” Thanks for being a friend, “Schwartz whispered as he spoke. he reached the last button, removing the flaps of his shirt with a flourish. “Road trip and back,” he continued, humming, undoing the button of his pants and unzipping the fly. “Your heart. is true “- Schwartz lowered himself to the ground, pulling on Sandoval’s jeans and boxers to release a monster, throbbing with rage.” You are a mate and a mmmhhmmmhhmmmmmm. “